In Space, No One Can Hear You Tweet
by skullanddog
Summary: The final twitter log of Capa and company. Capa is suffering a serious case of mistaken identity, but can the sun help him out? Probably not. Find out!


**In Space, No One Can Hear You Tweet**

A/N: This story is crack, and silly. Includes talking planets. It roughly follows Capa and the rest of the Icarus II crew on their ill-fated journey into the sun, twitter style. Yep, it's all done in twitter. Due to formatting restrictions, I used 'at' instead of the symbol, and because of laziness and ease for you guys, when there is nothing after 'at' it means the character is talking to themselves. UNSPA stands for... United Nations SPAce program. It isn't real. Unless it's real by chance. Enjoy!

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CapatheRapa at

So... six months on board and everyone still believes I'm a physicist... but I'm a pharmacist, dammit!

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CapatheRapa at

How did anyone ever make that mistake? Pharmacist, physicist – they're totally different!

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CapatheRapa at

And when that guy from UNSPA approached me, talking about a space program, man, I thought he be tripping.

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CapatheRapa at

Tripping hard. As if I'd want to go to space.

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CapatheRapa at

Correction: as if I'd want to go to the SUN.

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CapatheRapa at

He seemed like a cool guy though. Heaps cute chicky-babe on his arm. Guess that hot body talked me into the launch party.

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CapatheRapa at

Launch party, ha! I AM the party. Or I was. Don't feel much like partying up in space...

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CapatheRapa at

...on the way to the sun.

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CapatheRapa at

Never thought it was the party being launched. Into orbit. "Launch", huhn. I'll watch out for that if I ever get home.

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CapatheRapa at

Aw hell. I ain't never going home.

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CapatheRapa at

They say we're going into a communication dead zone. I say we entered the dead zone the second we launched.

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CapatheRapa at CapSis

Hey sis. Uhh. I'm boned!

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CapatheRapa at CapSis

And since this is Earth's last hope, you're boned too!

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CapatheRapa at CapSis

We're all boned!

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CapSis at CapatheRapa

Will you grow up? How the hell have you convinced these people for the past six months that you're not an idiot?

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CapatheRapa at

Aaaaaand the dead zone can't come soon enough.

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CapatheRapa at CapSis

Made you this nice video, sis. Made one for Reddit too but they said it wasn't legit.

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CapatheRapa at

Come on Reddit! Where am I gonna get a copy of today's paper for proof it's me?!

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CapatheRapa at

I'm in FREAKING SPACE!

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CapatheRapa at

Ow. Had another fight with Mace. Our 234th since leaving Earth's orbit. That guy makes ME look smart.

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CapatheRapa at

And this is coming from a guy who accidentally signed up to a spaceship headed for the sun.

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CapatheRapa at

Worst part is that cute chicky-babe ain't even here. Just Cassie and Corazon. Banged them both.

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CapatheRapa at

In my dreams. Sigh. They think/ know I'm scum.

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CapatheRapa at

We got a big problem here! Shield damage! Aw, hell!

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CapatheRapa at

And Mace volunteered me to wear the suit. Sometimes I swear he knows I'm a pharmacist.

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CapatheRapa at

We call it the Suit of Infinite Bling. Whoever wears the suit gets call Dork Knight for the rest of the day.

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CapatheRapa at

I swear Mace calls me Dork Knight one more time I'll punch him into Mercury.

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CapatheRapa at

...wonder if I can actually do that from here...?

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CapatheRapa at

Ha. Told Cassie "Oh I might die out there" while she was helping me put on the suit. Got a very nice hug.

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CapatheRapa at

Dang. This suit is not bonerific. It is not bonerific at all.

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CapatheRapa at Icarus II

Captain Infinite Bling to SPAAAAACE!

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Icarus II at CapatheRapa

How's the situation out there, Capa?

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CapatheRapa at Icarus II

Wow. It's mad awesome. Repairing shields and co man. Hella sweet. I got bling to make Maclemore jealous.

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CapatheRapa at Icarus II

Jks man. The captain totally died out there.

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Icarus II at CapatheRapa

Oh my god!

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CapatheRapa at Icarus II

Yep. Like, POP! Dead. Went up like a moth in a flame.

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CapatheRapa at

Sweet, huh? Everyone feels sorry for me. Got me a milkshake, no one even called me the Dork Knight.

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CapatheRapa at

I take it back. Thanks Mace.

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CapatheRapa at

So all the plants went up in flame. That was our TOTAL ability to manufacture breathable air.

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CapatheRapa at

Seriously dude I designed better spaceships than this POS when I was five years old. And I don't know anything about space.

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CapatheRapa at

I mean, ONE plant facility to help us produce air? ONE? The hell it's even doing? You can't tell me eighteen little plants produce enough ox

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CapatheRapa at

ygen to keep eight people alive. We got ox/nitrogen tanks but no way those plants were keeping us alive.

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CapatheRapa at

Certainly ain't getting us back to Earth.

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CapatheRapa at

...

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CapatheRapa at

Oh s#!t.

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CapatheRapa at

Those honkies aren't planning on bringing us down.

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CapatheRapa at

That's cold, man. Ice cold.

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CapatheRapa at

Okay, been thinking about the situation. Basically, we're screwed. Do I tell the others or let them find out?

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CapatheRapa at

I should have been nicer to Corazon. And Cassie. Wonder if there is time to pull a move?

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

Hey baby. Come to my quarters. I have something for you.

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

Get lost.

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

I swear it isn't what you think.

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

Please. It's been the same thing four times in a row now.

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

It's different now. Promise.

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

You mean it's not your dick in a box?

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

No okay, it's that.

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

NO!

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

Baby! It's different! This time you could help me save the ship! And the Earth!

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

WARNING: You no longer have permission to post to this user's page.

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CapatheRapa at

She blocked me. Witch!

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CapatheRapa at

Icarus I up ahead. We're gonna dock and see what the problem is. I think I know...

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CapatheRapa at

...the people who designed these ships were idiots.

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CapatheRapa at

On board the Icarus I. Captain Genius suggested we should split up. What if there are aliens?

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CapatheRapa at

God damn it, why don't these astronauts appreciate the risks we're taking leaving ourselves open to alien attack?!

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CapatheRapa at

On board half an hour, so far no aliens...

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CapatheRapa at

Communication room! Win!

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CapatheRapa at Icarus I

Icarus I, this is your designer. We've received many troubled messages from y'all concerning our ship's design flaws.

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CapatheRapa at Icarus I

Well I'm here to tell you my ship don't HAVE any design flaws. And neither does my English.

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CapatheRapa at Icarus I

Some have asked why the Icarus I here can fully generate its own oxygen supplies while its successor, the Icarus II, cannot.

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

Stop it you idiot. I can hear you over the comm. I know it's you.

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CaptainmyCaptain at CapatheRapa

Is that true? Hell. We can't generate our own oxygen?!

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CapatheRapa at Icarus I

Nope. Some of you have gone so far as to question the integrity of my big gold shields.

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CapatheRapa at Icarus I

Well I'm telling you they're NOT gold! They're made of pure cocaine! BWHAAHHA!

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CapatheRapa at Icarus I

Nothing blocks sunlight better than cocaine!

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CapatheRapa at Icarus I

Funnily enough, I didn't realise the heat resisting benefits of pure cocaine until I was, ha, off my head on the stuff.

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

X0 idiot! When I find you-!

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CapatheRapa at Icarus I

WARNING all personnel: an alien has been discovered on board. Please be on the lookout for this extremely hostile predator.

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CaptainmyCaptain at CapatheRapa

Holy hell. Please tell me you're joking. About all this.

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CapatheRapa at Icarus I

No jks. Repeat alien is extremely hostile. Calls himself 'Mace'. Is actually an alien in a sub-human host.

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CapatheRapa at Icarus I

You know that movie the Thing? Yeah. Just like that.

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

Found you, you little rat!

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CapatheRapa at Icarus I

ATTENTION ALL PERSONNEL! THE ALIEN HAS BREECHED THE COMMS ROOM!

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

He's here – he's here – Cassie! I wish I'd – agh – banged you. Agh-

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CapatheRapa at

So. That went badly. Just going to find the men's room and wash the blood out of my hair.

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CapatheRapa at

Flushing...

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CapatheRapa at

Hold on a minute.

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CapatheRapa at

This isn't the men's room

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CapatheRapa at

...

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CapatheRapa at

HOLY SHIT I'VE UNCOUPLED THE AIRLOCK

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

IT WASN'T ME I SWEAR

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SpaceMace at Icarus II

Some idiot has blown out the airlock. Repeat, our resident idiot physicist has flushed the airlock.

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SpaceMace at Icarus II

You guys are gonna want to seal off your air supply and try to redock. We'll be back on board soon.

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Icarus II at Icarus I

Sorry kids, no can do. The airlock's outer door is gone. The inner door needs to be open so you can get in.

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Icarus II at Icarus I

Or dock.

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SpaceMace at Icarus II

WHADDAYA MEAN you can't seal the airlock?!

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CaptainmyCaptain at Icarus II

Or dock? Who the hell designed that stupid ship?!

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CapatheRapa at Icarus I

Told you it was cocaine addicts.

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CaptainmyCaptain at Icarus II

Is that Searle out there licking the shield...?

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Icarus II at Icarus I

lolz. The not docking is our fault. We lack the mad pilot skillz to dock.

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CaptainmyCaptain at Icarus II

THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING I EVER HEARD IT'S A SPACESHIP FOR CHRISSAKE HAVE THE COMPUTER DO IT

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Icarus II at Icarus I

Shut up, Captain! What are we, programmers?!

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CaptainmyCaptain at Icarus II

No but you are the PILOT! Cassie!

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SpaceMace at Icarus I

Cool it, guys. Icarus II is losing air. We need to get back so they can let us in and close the lock.

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

Why don't they close the lock now and reopen it when they find a way to dock again?

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

You need to shut up. And by shut up I mean suit up. Into the bling suit, Dork Knight.

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

!Why me!

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

Because you're the prettiest of us all, Dork Knight. Also they only made this suit in chick's sizes.

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

I hate you so much.

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

Srsly dude. I can't even fit my arm in here. In you go. Aw, so sweet.

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

You look so adorable in your tinfoil.

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

Not half as cute as you. Love heart winking face.

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

Just push me into space already.

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SunnySearle at Icarus I

You guys are never going to believe the wonderful time I've had. Oh yeah. It's been sexy. Gorgeous. Colourful.

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CaptainmyCaptain at SunnySearle

Are you serious? You're high? The shield is made of cocaine?

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SunnySearle at Icarus I

Yes. Yes it is.

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SpaceMace at Icarus I

Chest slap, men! Icarus II, space, here we come!

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SunnySearle at Icarus I

Bai, guiz! Like your suits! I'm gonna find something to eat here, kk? Then I'll walk back over, okay?

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CapatheRapa at SunnySearle

Uh, Searle?

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SunnySearle at CapatheRapa

Baiiiii little gold guy!

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SpaceMace at Space

Wheeeeee!

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Icarus I at Icarus II

Lol these guys never gon make it.

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Icarus II at Icarus I

:D Imma take out one of the tinfoil geeks.

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CaptainmyCaptain at Space

AAAAGGGGHHHHHHHH-

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Icarus II at Space

Gimme some flesh, brother.

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Space at Humanity

Rofl. Gotcha!

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

Well that was weird.

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

Is this the time for your bitching? No. It isn't. We barely made it back to the Icarus II alive.

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

Didn't you hear that?

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

No.

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

I swear I heard space tweet.

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

You heard nothing. Nothing! Now shut that airlock!

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CapatheRapa at

So it turns out... that there isn't a saboteur on the ship. I kinda downloaded a virus with that porn and ...

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CapatheRapa at

Needless to say it has munted our very outmoded computer systems. No one else has noticed yet...

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CapatheRapa at

Sis always said porn would be the death of me. I didn't think she meant it would be the death of humanity as well.

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CapatheRapa at

Annnnyway. So Trey died. No blaming him for the whole airlock/ mainframe thing. Maybe I should own up.

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

If I find out you're responsible for the airlock, I will personally strap you to the payload and eject you into the sun.

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

Chill dude. We're ALL strapped to the payload, and we ejected ourselves into the sun. Remember that? The launch?

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

Oh right.

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CapatheRapa at

...I'm going to say it was a saboteur. A stowaway. From the oxygen garden – no – from space – no...

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CapatheRapa at

Got it!

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CapatheRapa at Icarus II

Guys you are never going to believe this. There is a stowaway on board. Our saboteur, methinks.

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

It was you, wasn't it?

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

No it was not. Agh! Look, here he is now! In the observation room! Aggghhh! Oh my god it's that guy from the Icarus I!

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

Not Pinbacker!

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

Sure, he'll do. Aggghhh! Man he puts up a fight! Ow! Ow! He stabbed me! Oh damn, he's locked me in the airlock!

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

Ohmygod bro, I'll come help you! Are you okay?

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CassieCat at SpaceMace

Don't tell me you believe this idiot.

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

I'm coming for you Dork Knight!

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

Oh my god. I hate you. Oh my god, I hate you so much.

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CapatheRapa at

Hey, at least I'll be safe from Mace in here, right? I broke the lock so he can't get in. Ha. Sucker.

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

Winky face. Hey, what's up with the mainframe? It's all out of the water. Tell me that ain't right.

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Icarus II at SpaceMace

No! That isn't right! That's why the systems are malfunctioning! Quick, submerge it in the coolant!

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HeartsonCorazon at Icarus II

Everybody! I found a plant! Maybe it's enough to supply oxygen for everyone for the journey back to Earth!

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

Jesus Christ I can't believe she still thinks we're going back to Earth.

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

I for one would love to go back to Earth. Live, little plant!

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CassieCat at HeartsonCorazon

Hear that, Corazon? Capa is after your plant.

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CassieCat at HeartsonCorazon

Corazon?

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

I don't know what the Pinbacker did to the mainframes, but Imma have to get into the coolant to fix it. Is that safe?

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

Sure. Go for it.

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

Smiley face. Cool thanks bro.

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

No worries my friend.

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CapatheRapa at

Pfffffffft lol!

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

Sheesh! It's cold! Are you sure this is safe?

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

Positive. Hey, do you know any way I could say, get out of the airlock?

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

So... cold. I feel like Captain America. Ugh.

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

Srsly dude hurry up there's like hardly any air in here.

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

Ugh. Leg trapped. Dying. Try...the... bling... suit...soldering...iron.

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

...

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SpaceMace at CapatheRapa

Capa... you must... be... the Dork Knight. Forever.

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

Mace?

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CapatheRapa at SpaceMace

Mace! Mace, answer me!

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

Capa? I can't detect Mace's lift signs. I think he's gone.

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

That doesn't make any sense, Cassie! He's on a SPACESHIP! Where would he go?

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

He's DEAD, you jerk! Like we're all DEAD! We're all going to DIE, Capa! Don't you understand that!

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

Omg chill. You're freaking me out. It's making harder to put on this bling suit.

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

I'm serious! You and I and the saboteur are the only ones left alive, Capa!

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

Yeah. About the saboteur...

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

Holy hell! He's in here! The saboteur – Capa, help!

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

Wut.

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

Oh my god, Capa! Help me! Help me! HELP ME YOU IDIOT!

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

Bitch you be trippin. There ain't no saboteur.

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

He's here, I'm telling you he's here! Capa! You have to make sure the payload reaches the sun! You have to-

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

Jks dude. I invented the saboteur, okay? So really, just chill out.

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

It's okay if you don't reply. I know you're mad. I've gotten through the door now. I'm going to check the payload, okay?

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CapatheRapa at

Man she is going to be so mad when I tell her I'm a pharmacist.

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CapatheRapa at

And don't know anything about nuclear physics.

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CapatheRapa at

Seriously. Less than nothing. What I know about physics couldn't fill a hydrogen atom.

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

Cassie, this is really getting beyond a joke. Okay? I'm in the payload, all right? And I still don't see you.

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CapatheRapa at Icarus II

Hey, ship's computer, help me out? Eject this payload into the sun and turn this baby back to Earth?

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CapatheRapa at Icarus II

No?

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CapatheRapa at

Aw, hell.

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Space at theSun

You gonna get these guys, man?

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theSun at Space

Yeah it's cool I've got it.

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theSun at Space

lol look at this little guy freaking out. He's not even really a physicist.

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Space at theSun

I know right. How on Earth did anyone make that mistake?

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Earth at Space

Come on guys, it wasn't my fault. I can't keep track of every human on me. Do you know how many of them there are?

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theSun at Earth

You want me to get rid of these two excess ones for you? Might help.

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CapatheRapa at Space

I really wish I couldn't hear you guys tweeting.

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theSun at Space

Hey, you hear that? Maybe this little guy is psychic.

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Mercury at CapatheRapa

Hi Capa, Mercury here. We met briefly earlier. You may remember me as the smartest planet in the solar system.

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CapatheRapa at Mercury

Not really. Just the smallest.

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Mercury at CapatheRapa

Uh huh. So what you're going to do is, you're going to manually decouple the payload.

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CapatheRapa at Mercury

I have no idea how to do that.

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theSun at Mercury

lol bro why you helping him?

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Mercury at theSun

Because if you cool down enough you'll expand and envelope me. And that would be bad.

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Mercury at CapatheRapa

Okay Capa, now you will see a button there in front of you. Press the button. This will decouple the payload.

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CapatheRapa at Mercury

Seems too easy. Done.

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Mercury at CapatheRapa

Of course it's easy. It's only nuclear physics.

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CapatheRapa at Mercury

Cool. :D Thanks buddy.

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Mercury at CapatheRapa

No issue at all my friend. Say, how heat resistant would you say you are?

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CapatheRapa at Mercury

Uhh...

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Mercury at CapatheRapa

Like, good for 15.7 million degrees Kelvin?

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CapatheRapa at Mercury

Um?

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Mercury at CapatheRapa

I mean, that's the temperature of the sun's core. You're gonna need to pass through it to get back to Earth.

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Mercury at CapatheRapa

THAT'S HOW THIS WORKS, RIGHT?! I DIDN'T JUST SEND A MAN INTO THE SUN FOR NOTHING, RIGHT?!

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CapatheRapa at Mercury

Oh my god this has just been the worst day of my life.

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CapatheRapa at Earth

I swear if I ever get back to you I will never drink or ingest mind altering substances again.

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CapatheRapa at Earth

Or have such mind-blowingly hot sex that I black out for several days.

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CapatheRapa at Earth

Actually scratch that last one. I will definitely do that. I will do a lot of that.

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

Surprise, sweetheart.

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

Cassie! You're alive! Where are you?

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

Right over here. On the payload. See? I'm waving!

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

Hey yeah. I see you. :D Who's that guy with you? That... burnt... guy?

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

Oh him? This is Pinbacker.

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BurntPinbacker at CapatheRapa

Yo. Sup?

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

Are you mad? He was really on the ship? Don't you know that means he killed Corazon?!

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

I don't care. He's my new boyfriend and I love him. He said he would never give me his dick in a box.

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CapatheRapa at PinStabBacker

You have got to be freaking kidding me.

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

I'm not. He really said that.

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

He doesn't even have a dick! He's just burnt bits! Look at him!

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

He is not! He's lovely, and when he holds my hand I feel like we have a whole day of oxygen left rather than the several minutes' worth whic

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

h are actually distributed around this enormous empty space. Look, see?

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CapatheRapa at CassieCat

AGGGGHHH you just pulled all the skin off his arm!

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

AGGGGGGGGH that's SO GROSS!

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Space at BurntPinbacker

lol.

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theSun at CapatheRapa

Okay dude, we all know how this is gonna end. Said your final prayers?

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CapatheRapa at theSun

No! I want to go home!

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theSun at CapatheRapa

Oh you crazy kids, you make me laugh. Home! Ha! Ya ready? I'm gonna eatcha!

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CassieCat at CapatheRapa

AGGGGHHHHH

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CapatheRapa at theSun

GOD DAMMIT SUN you unreliable son of a bitch! This payload better kick your ass into gear!

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theSun at CapatheRapa

Or what? You'll fly another ship into me? Full of tasty, tasty humans? I'm terrified, really.

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theSun at Icarus II

*Gulp*

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theSun at

Erp. Dem bombs. Them spicy bombs. I have a feeling I'm gonna be up all night.

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CapatheRapa at theSun

Um. Sun? You just ate me, and I'm still alive.

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theSun at CapatheRapa

lol dude. Jks on you. That bling suit makes you fully sun resistant. I have a feeling you're gonna love it here.

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theSun at CapatheRapa

We have a great bar and sporting facilities. Also plenty of hawt babes, breathable air and opium dens for your personal use.

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CapatheRapa at theSun

Wow, really?

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theSun at CapatheRapa

lol. No.

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CapatheRapa at theSun

Oh fu

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HeartsonCorazon at SpaceMace

Mace, don't you think it's about time?

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SpaceMace at HeartsonCorazon

For what? Pulling Capa off the shield?

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HeartsonCorazon at SpaceMace

Yeah. He's been licking it for a while now. He didn't even notice when the Captain came back.

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SpaceMace at HeartsonCorazon

I say we leave him. He looks like he's having fun.

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HeartsonCorazon at SpaceMace

Your call. Say. What's that shield made out of, anyway?

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.

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* * *

_A/N: _Maybe worth mentioning, but probably not, is that by writing this story I actually began to appreciate Sunshine a lot more for what it was. I did a bit of reading for it to ensure it was accurate (plot excepting), and realised that the movie is quite good and makes a lot of sense, right down to the ridiculously bad spaceship design. The gold suit though? I got nothing. This is Captain Infinite Bling, signing out to SPPPPAAACE! R&R if you have a soul. :)


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